Luce. What can I say? He is dead and it’s my fault. I knew he was drained from the Pattern walk, I should have realised just how weak he was. If I’d stayed to help him fight Brand he’d likely still be alive. But no, I had a mission and that was the only thought in my head.

And now he is gone. He left me Night’s Edge, his apartments and all contents therein. Quite the joke really, he trusts me enough to leave me all his worldly goods and I cause his death. Hilarious.

Too focussed, always too focussed. Yes, I fixed the Pattern, perhaps, but at what cost?

I’ve barely talked to any of the others about it. What would I say, would they even want to talk to me?

I can’t help but think that Hagen holds me to blame for Luce’s death. That’s fair.  He must be angry with me for it, if I’d only shared my plans for healing the Pattern, it may never have happened. Trust, Lara, you need to trust people. See what happens when you don’t.

Emil saw the outcome but I don’t know how long he was there for and how much he saw (I don’t even know the actuality of what happened), nor how he is feeling. He and Luce always had a fraught relationship and it was Brand, after all, that the fight was with.

I had thought I might be able to talk to Sioned a bit, but she was so angry at Luce last night, then this morning she didn’t even know he was dead. There is something very wrong there, but I have no idea what it might be. Or how to fix it. What if someone is playing with her mind the way someone did with Random’s or like Brand said was being done to him? God.

It’s strange, Greyswandir is still with me and it feels like it’s mine now which is a small measure of comfort. I can’t explain it. I was able to use it to heal the Pattern and to help Caine get rid of the Black Road remnants in Garnath but I’ve no idea how to actually use a sword. I need to learn, especially as I now have the care of Night’s Edge as well.

There’s so much still to do however, find Suhoy and the sceptre that Emil stole and try and prevent whatever he is planning on doing with it. Find Sean again and try and work out a way to get Oberon out of his head for good and having no harm come to him. Find out what is happening to Sioned. Deal with the ever present threat of the Weir.

I feel like I’m drowning, though, and there’s no fixed point to catch myself on.

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