He’s not quite awake; he’s dosing in between. I’m getting used to the nightly company. I don’t think he’s spent a night away since Hagan brought me back. He’s been amazing; amazingly amazing. I think this is what it feels like when you are becoming more attached to someone than our kind of friendship could cope with. Not that I do not like him, in my own way I think I love him. But to be more than what we are is something I do not think either of us would really want. It would be dangerous of me to let my imagination wander with the idea. I’m certain somewhere my mother is frowning at me. I never really understood why she was so determined that I should find someone to settle down with. And now it’s not like time is going to be an issue for me.

“Staring at people when they are sleeping is still rude, you know” He says it with a sly grin, his eyes still closed, as he has done so many times before.

“Well it’s a good thing you’re not asleep then, isn’t it” And I kiss him. Because he’s here and it’s the morning. And all these mornings should start this way.


I don’t really know much about Deirdre. But then I don’t know a lot about most of the family. It’s not like they seek out my company, and I’m always doing something which means I never have time to seek out theirs. I didn’t thing she and Lara got on, why she wants to buy Lara a gift, I’m not sure. I wonder if I should tell Lara?

One thing that I am coming to understand is that most of the family don’t seem to be friends with each other. We five seem to be lucky that we are friends. Lara and Hagen, friends. I know Emil is frustrating, but he’s still my friend. I don’t know Talion very well, but he is a friend. Luce….was a friend. Erica’s definitely a friend. Caine, Julia, Brand, Delwin, Benedict (for reasons I don’t quite understand); friends.

Deirdre says she has no friends. everyone should have at least one friend. I have lots. Doesn’t really seem fair that Deirdre should have none. So I will be her friend…I remember what it was like…when I was growing up…not to have friends.

She doesn’t like wearing dresses. Fair enough. Most of the time I don’t either. I think I mostly do wear them when I have to with the prospect that Esmond can take me out of them after all is said and done. But he’s good at that with either dresses or pants. We’re riding, and I tell her that. The bit about the dress. Not the bit about Esmond. She’s rather scornful of boys.

“But why would you make yourself vulnerable by doing that? A dress is useless.”

“Sometimes. Sometimes it can be a powerful statement. Like….. *I give so few fucks about you and your ability to do anything of meaning, that I am wearing something that makes me appear unprepared and vulnerable in the full knowledge that I can still kick your ass from here to next week, and will do so with prejudice. ” I think I get a small smile with that one. “Mind you, you know clothing in Rebma, so I mostly feel that way about anything that I wear that covers most of my body” That definitely gets an amused snort.

I like Deirdre. She’s doesn’t talk much. But she thinks about what she says before she says it, and means what she says when she says it. I witter away like no ones business. She refuses do what people expect her to do, I admire that. Expectation is cumbersome. I never did what I was expected to before I was an Amberite, and I don’t think I’ve changed much now that I am. We talk about horses and weapons and armor. It’s nice to get new perspectives on this. Deirdre is a friend.


I like Brand. I didn’t always. The outcome of that set of circumstances is still floating around waiting to be dealt with. He has ideas, and he likes to hear my ideas. He frequently seems worried that he has done something wrong. I feel a bit guilty about that, even though I’m not to blame for it. Is it the curse of younger generations to always feel shitty about what their older relatives do to people? I don’t know yet how Theodric was separated from Brand, but I’m glad that he has been. I try not to think about it sitting here at the bottom of these ghostly stairs.

“Do you think you’ll get one beagle or two?” I’ve been offered a share of his picnic, but only pick at a few grapes.

“One should be enough I think. I like the idea of a dog. Have you ever had a dog?” I don’t think he willfully forgets where I grew up.

“I had a pet cuttlefish once.” He blinks. “But dad found it and made me find it a new home. I was very upset. I suppose I was a little optimistic to think I could hide him. Cuttlefish are quite conspicuous when they want to be”

“And…..I’m not sure if cuttlefish make the best pets.”

“That’s what my dad said. Then he bought me some guppies to get me to stop crying. They infested the house within a week.”

I know it’s an alien thought to him, but we laugh anyway; both for completely different reasons.